2013 recap

I have to say it was a good year.
I had a decent amount of drinking.
Had two different jobs.
Got offered a promotion. I should be starting that Soon.
I let my guard down. I fell in like to be crushed. You learn and live. I'm glad I'm not totally dead. Or not as dead as I like to think.
I went to warped. That shit was a blast.
I went to Vegas for the first time. I had an old people vacation just drinking and smoking and hitting the slots.
Only had two parties this year.
Lost a beloved pet. Rip dare. <3

Broke off a lot of "friendships" finally learned to let go of past emotions. "Throw some dirt over that shit"

I feel a lot more at peace. I just need to look forward. Look for new adventures. Say I want to explore and fall threw. My biggest goals this year are bartending school  and go to coachella or Ireland. Hopefully I travel out of the country this year.
:)

Conversate

Let's conversate of the dreams we never had. Of the life you never lived your not even 23. Already gave up on life? On a life you never began. Your still a child. Your still trying to survive. When did you give up? The moment you grew up?

cycle

Just realized my life has been on repeat for the past 5 years.



time for something new.....

Soon to be 23

Life you are weird.

 

Or more like I'm weird.

 

This has been a weird past few months. Whirl wind of emotions. A lot of reflection as always.

 

I hate being broke about 90% of the time. My mom, She stress me the fuck out. I can't handle living in this poverty any more. this was fun when I was 19.

 

But I'll be 23 in a month. I'm back at school. Today I decided to skip class. I am currently avoiding homework, because I left my book in my car. Its too far.

 

Oh laziness how I flirt with you. You will be the death of me. I won't die tragically. I'll die a slow boring death just like my life.

 

Wish I could stick with something and not doubt myself about it. I'm too much of a coward to actually do anything.

 

What happened to the adventures I used to crave? They died right alone side all the money I blew away. Fuck I miss money. Money is awesome. I hate being poor. I'm looking for a better paying job.

 

I dislike that minimum wage will be going up to $10 here in Cali. its like GREAT now the cost of living here will go up THAT much more! I'm bored of this life. Time to find a new adventure, I could afford. I want to move away. Or maybe fall into something new like I used to do. I guess I feel into this odd rut. I don't even know who the fuck I am now.

 

Oh 23 year old you ganna have to piece back together this mess I've left for you. Ha! lets see how well can you manage. Maybe you'll FINALLY learn money managing skills.... oh wait nope you wont do that! you can expect miracles in a life time. BAHAHA

 

fun fun fun.

 

tragic fucked up life awaits.

 

lets see how far you can go with this shitty card you dealt your self.

First you started with a beer. Then you smoked a cigarette.
Had another beer. Then said fuck it to everything.

How much?

How much do you hate your friends?
Why do you still speak to them.

I'm tired of so many things. but mostly tired of this attitude.

everything is shitty, specially your shitty point of view.

I'm done. I'm toast.

Time to give up...give up on this attitude.

When i was on a better path I was still depressing and annoyed by everything.

Everything is funny but it seems to be depressing at the same time.

I don't need a therapist.

I know what is wrong. I can fix it on my own. But I need to stop helping others. You all wore me out. You are all children. As well I am one too.

I only pretend, I try to be the best personality in-front of everyone.

but everything is a dark spiraling joke. just you need to realize that. the sooner you do, the better.

I always lose my point of my rants. but its fun, to not make any sense to most people. but "I completely understand what you are trying to say"

because its easier to read between the lines then to actually listen to the message you are pretending to say.

i don't believe the bullshit that comes out of your mouth anymore.

its more fun this way,

because you are a joke.

I knew

I knew something was fishy. But I wasn't sure. I kept looking for answers. And I found what I was snooping for. I knew all to well this was going on. The lies. The insincerity.

I knew. But how to I walk away. Just cut the cord? And pretend it never happened? Ok. I can pretend like nothing happened. I'll get over it. I'll just store it in a box. And never look at it again.

Just walk away.

Its time.

Its time for me to start my video vlogging again! We'll party til the sun comes up ^_^ :D

Write me a song about better times. The nights we would see the sun rise. Where we drank til we couldn't move. Smoked your self silly. Laughed your self til you almost peed. Write me a song about better times.

"Its Friday night, your at home, and all you can ask is where did everyone go?!"

It all has gone away, With the money, the drugs, the alcohol, the fun. Its all gone.

Everything is better with time they said, but all that has happened everything has gone down the drain. 

Back to blank

I feel like going on an adventure Tonight.
An endless drive to self discovery. Seeing it threw someone else's eyes.
Singing to the songs that my heart no longer feels.
Because I'm blank.
Back to the self defense mood.

The choices.Stay sober. Drink it up. Smoke the cigs n drive until your out of gas. I might need to run away and find myself again. It took me so long to get here. Now I'm as lost as i could possibly be.

Complaint

I complained to my boss that i needed a day off working at this place. If i worked one more day i would end the world! He replied think of all the money your making. 

I quickly became saddened and thought back to the money used to make just standing around. I need to move my butt n improve my life.

Every time i go somewhere
I think how better my life can be.
Then i think of the amazing things I've seen. And how much it would take for me to be on that path.
Then i get distracted by my day to day bullshit.
I wish I was on a path to a better place. I'm so blinded by looking back when I'm driving forward.
I get lost in the meaningless details. I wish I wouldn't dwell on stupid shit.
I wish I was someone else.
I wish I wouldnt let things knock me down.
I miss me.

Once upon

Once upon a story.... 

there was a monster....

you locked the doors... 

but the monster was in your head.... 

Why do we lock the doors.
And claim to have thrown away the key.
These demons are a part of us.
We are them.
But do we feed the anger.
                        the hate.
                        the lust.
                        the sadness.
Or do we walk away and try to put those demons to rest.

Day by day. Night by night. We make the choice to look the demons in the eye and say FUCK YOU! I'm better then you. You can't hurt. You can't hold me down. Im better then who you where yesterday.


Why do we lock the doors?
When the monsters are in our heads.....

the low lives.

What happened to the losers?
To the forgotten kids? the Low lives?
Did you ever wonder?
or are you one of them?

The ones who went into the working field and said fuck it to school.

Flipped off the teachers after graduation and said HELLO MONEY.

What happened? were still here. we haven't changed much.

We are still the low lives.

Trying to survive day by day.

While everyone else is trying to study for midterms and finals. 

We trying to make sure we don't overdraft our accounts yet again.

Who knows

Those moments where your heart hurts. It feels like someone is squishing it with there hand.
I believe this is heartache and sorrow.
But im still confused by it.
Something in my chest is holding my heart down.
Making it hard to breath.
Heartbeats jumping up and down but yet it feels faint.

What is happening to me?

Spy Movies

Make me wish I was worth it.

Wish some secret service thought i was the one. the one to be a part of something greater then what is before me. Instead of being a part of this shitty average life.

But it all only lives in the movies. the novels. of the greater gods. From the great imaginations.

I wish i would could have a been a mini genius from birth like they are in the stories. Could have had the greatest tragedy happen to me. to make me stronger then who am i.

To be able to kick ass in a heartbeat.

To know how to shoot a gun.

Martial Arts.

Get away with murder.

Well for a better cause.

"pull the trigger to defend a greater that doesn't even know we exist."

I always have these amazing stories in my mind, but I don't know how to put the pen to ink. or the make my fingers click.


.....................................

Hurt

I'm so lost.

woke up as if it was a regular day. sent the message to only to get told to get lost.

but I am lost, I dont know where im headed. Ive lost sight of any path.

Everything I had last week has disappeared. I speak of it all as a big giant joke to hide the hurt.

I get angry, but when I'm angry how quickly i come to these hurt realizations. Reality has sunk in.

This all hurts.

I need to look for a better tomorrow. but its so hard to leave my nest. its so warm. nothing can hurt me here in the little cave.

The darkness.

its feels so nice. i love it here. it hides me from the world. i no longer have to see the imperfections.

everything is so dark and beautiful. the sun it just hurts my eyes. its too bright. Too much light.

It still hurts. so know ive lost so much to gain so little.

i guess its life.

we must get hurt to learn.

how else will we learn not to do this again.

carry these physical and mental scars as the memories of days past. look at them and remember I AM BETTER THEN THIS! I CAN DO ANYTHING.

Just leave these hurt feelings in yesterdays memories. Because tomorrow I am Better. I am Stronger then yesterday!

Lost

Sometimes we need to appreciate the time we spend alone. Lately i haven't been able to appreciate others company.  Maybe its cuz ive been sick.  But it feels odd. Im moody. And out of no where. Super depressed.  Its that time again where i sit back and look at where im going in life. I was going nowhere once again.  I need to appreciate the little things again.  its one self destructive habit after another. :( i need something more once again.

apple

Im in covering for my company at an apple store. second day here. Prepping for the launch of the latest phone they will release. this has been pretty cool. Hopefully i get to be here over the weekend. this has been a fun experience so far. i hope i dont get in trouble, dun dun duuhh